Divorce, though common, is one of the most traumatic events people will go through in their lives. This must be recognized and acknowledged, rather than acting as if nothing happened and moving on quickly.
Dealing With Grief After a Divorce
Divorce is like a death. One must recognize the great loss that divorce really is – lost years, lost chances, lost love. Author and speaker Christopher Bacon points out that the words “Till death do us part” refer to the relationship, not the people.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross did a great deal of research on grief, and developed the five stages of grief. Each one must be passed through before the grieving divorcee can move on, although Linda Saxon Nix said that a person may be in one stage at one time, pass through them in a different order, or be on one stage for a particularly lone time, as opposed to other stages.
The Stages of Grief
The first stage of grief is denial – denial that the event happened and that the loss is real.
Stage 2 is anger. Anger occurs when you begin to accept reality.
Stage 3 is bargaining. This step is a bit more complex. One spouse may promise to change or do whatever it takes to keep the other from leaving. This may include compromising ideals and principles and values to keep another from leaving. However, bargaining signals that one is beginning to realize that the marriage is ending.
The next stage is perhaps more difficult than the first three – depression. Some people may stay depressed longer than others, such as those who had unhappy childhoods and have not dealt with those issues or are generally emotionally unhealthy. A visit to a doctor for antidepressants may help some get through this most difficult step.
The final stage is acceptance. After working through the other stages, one will eventually come to acceptance. This means that one has accepted the inevitable fact that the spouse will not return, and that they must build a new life on their own.
During and After the Stages of Grief
The memory of a lost marriage may haunt one for many years. Depression, guilt (even though one may have been abused during the relationship by the other who left), a lingering sense of loss, troubling images swirling through dreams – all of these can possibly linger for a long time after the actual divorce.
Surviving Divorce and Moving On
Whilst it is important to move through the stages of grief and to deal with sideline issues that might keep one from moving on, it is also important to treat oneself well. Physically, keep up regular hygiene habits and dress well. Mentally, look for the joy in every moment and grab onto it, living moment by moment, even though the future may look black and seem bleak at the present. Try to help others, or perhaps volunteer. These steps will help a divorced person begin to build a new life on his/her own, a life that is his/her own.
Resources:
Saxon Nix, Linda. "My Divorce Recovery Site" (accessed February 9, 2011).
Dr. Kubler-Ross, Eliabeth. "The Five Stages of Grief." Grief.com (accessed February 9, 2011).
Suggested reading:
Fisher, Bruce. Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends. Impact Publishers, 1990.
AARP. "Grief and Loss" (accessed February 9, 2011).
Pamela Mooman - Pamela Mooman I am an award-winning writer and editor. I have more than 19 years of experience working in a variety of subjects and ...
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